you hate me. i hate me.

**Long post**

I'm SuperMom. I went to Hawaii with the whole family. That's 1 husband + 3 kids (ages 9, 5 and 6 months). We got on a plane and we rode that plane for 5 hours with nary a whimper. Felt pretty damn good about myself.

Until Monday - aka "Golf Day"

I thought I could handle it, after all, I did it before (albeit in the comfort of my own home.. that thought escaped me at the time). So I dropped off the hubby at Ko'olina and I headed back to our hotel in our rented mini-van. Hilo Hattie was on the way back to Waikiki and since I was sick all day Sunday and could not get to the Aloha Stadium swap meet, I thought I'd suck it up and pay tourist prices for the souvenirs I needed to buy for everyone.

When I lifted child #3 out of the carseat and into the stroller, his pacifier fell to the ground. Since it was dirty, I left it in the van (mistake #1). Then, since I knew I would be quick, I left his diaper bag in the van (mistake #2). I went into Hilo Hattie with all 3 kids in tow and started shopping. Then child #2 needed to use the restroom.

So I take children #2 and #3 into the bathroom while #1 sat and waited on a bench. All was well and I started shopping again. I pass by this old man who had that old man smell and I thought to myself, "Damn, this guy STINKS!" We go to a different corner of the store... "Whew! I can still smell him! ...Wait a minute... sniff sniff.. damn it." #3 decided to drop a bomb in the store and because of mistake #2 I had to run out to the parking lot (with 3 kids in tow) to get the diaper bag.

Repeat the first two sentences of the last paragraph.

#1 and #2 got antsy and started horseplaying. Literally horseplaying. #1 had #2 by the ponytail and was pulling on it saying "Giddyap horsey!" Some old lady (lots of old people tourists in Hawaii) said, "That's not very nice, how would you like it if someone pulled YOUR hair?" That got my attention so I shot a dirty look at her for scolding my son then shot a dirty look at my son because his actions caused some stranger to look at me as if I didn't know how to control my children. Damn that old bitch... I was in the middle of shopping and didn't have time to pay attention to my kids.

To pacify the children I told them, "You guys can pick ONE THING from the store and I'll get it for you." #1 picked some stuffed macadamia nut animal and #2 picked a Hawaiian paper doll book.

Back to shopping. This time in the home accessories (read: BREAKABLE) department. I picked up a ceramic tile to hang up at home that has a pineapple and says "Welcome to our home!" While looking at other tiles I heard, "GASP! Watch out!" (Sound of something falling.) The children (#1 and #2) have managed to make a game of a paper doll book and stuffed macadamia nut fighting Star Wars with each other and they knocked over a vase which luckily (for the kids' butts) didn't break but I had to endure more of the "Look at that mom who can't control her kids" looks from those old people again.

After that I grabbed their arms and headed to the checkout line where #3 decided to cry as loud as a banshee. #3 is a good baby by all accounts and does not cry much, but when he cries, he cries LOUD. I picked him up out of the stroller to soothe him, didn't work. Looked around for the pacifier (see mistake #1). The line was unbelievably long because 2 tour buses pulled up earlier so there was (and I'm not lying) a group of at least 20 young Japanese teens who were all dressed EXACTLY THE SAME (down to the shoes) and had the same exact haircut (shaved but had a couple month's worth of growth so they all had the same length of hair) and they were all in line at exactly the same time. It was "The Perfect Storm."

#3 was screaming his head off and nothing I did was helping. Another old guy let me cut in front of him and told the cashier, "Why don't you take this young lady with the baby first?" I saw sympathy and annoyance in his expression. I hurried as fast as I could but my cashier was sooooooooooooo slooooooooow in bagging my stuff so #3 was still screaming and crying. It's exactly that cry you hear at Target that goes on and on and you stop shopping to look for the stupid ass Mom who isn't doing anything to shut the kid up so you can give her that look. I give that look at those Moms all the time and karma... On Monday, that Mom was me.

New rule: HE WILL NEVER EVER LEAVE ME ALONE WITH THREE KIDS TO PLAY GOLF AGAIN. EVER. EVER EVER.